Category Archives: Lists

Unfamous Titles: The Best of the Worst

“THE WAIT” (a three part series)

“WAIT”

“WAIT!”

“WAIT!!!” (this was the most intense one)

“WAITING” (actual minutes from Congress)

Obama-Bored_large

“WAITING FOR THE BEARS TO COME” (by that guy who got eaten)

“The Man”

“The Bus”

“The Ashtray”

“The Room”

“The Rent”

“The Responsibilities” (by a college freshman)

“The Teabag” (not porn)

michelle-bachman-tea-bag

“Beans in Your Smithereens”

“Corn in Your Cob”

“Grower Not Shower”

“Sour Milk Shower” (takes place on a dairy farm in Connecticut)

“Tween Rothenstein” (Lena Dunham’s Fan Blog)

barmitzvah22n-4-web

“Bar Mitzvah Blues” (Daniel’s Vlog)

“Above”

“Between”

“Abound”

“Wherefore”

“Windmill” (Dutch poem)

“Warmer”

“Colder”

“Timer”

“Sleeper” (not the robot with hipster glasses)

Sleeper2

“Crapper”

“Toucher” (we had to report this guy)

“Preacher’s Mother”

“Preacher’s Son”

“Preacher’s Daughter”

OSTEEN

“Preacher’s Manchild” (Autobiography of Joel Osteen)

“First Time”

“Sperm Bank”

“Vern Knows”

“You’re Gone”

“Drama Queen”

“Mnemonic Dominic”

“Hegel’s Bagels” (idealistic take on the gentrification of bagels)

“Nothing Will Be Delivered” (pessimistic take on the potential outsourcing of Chinese food delivery jobs to China) 

“Pain is a Funny Thing” (Gitmo Comedy in three Acts)

“Cowboy in Thailand” (actually a really good title)

Mr_Thai_Cowboy_Phnom_Penh

“Christmas in Poland” (pretty bleak)

“Permission to Eat Grass” (talking goat)

“The Business of Flies” (New Yorker cartoon)

“Flipping Grandma”

“Mostly Small Talk”

“Just A Little Bit” (a lot of nonsense)

“In the River of Remember” (so so bad)

“The Wise and Foolish Virgins”

“Virgin at Twenty-Nine”

the-forty-year-old-virgin-2005-

“Fun with Prick and Jane” (not porn)

“My Awful Mouth” (porn)

“The Dick Abides” (detective porn)

“Abide with Me!”

“The Devoted Wife” (Mormon non-fiction)

“An Ode to Phyllis”

“The Human Fence” (structuralist opinion piece)

“The Grape of Wrath”

“The Great Hornsby”

“Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Instagram” (More fan fiction)

“Fuck Sylvia Plath” (Seriously?)

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“Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.” (Re-submission by same author of “Fuck Sylvia Plath”)

“I Want to Eat One of Every Animal in the World” (carnivore opinion piece)

“A Long Hard Day of Being Looked At” (Excerpt from a Ford Model’s Memoir)

“The Dalai Lama’s Sharks” (This actually made it to the editors meeting)

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Things to Avoid on Valentines

A-Valentines-Day-date-008

These sentences:

I forgot.

I forgot to send you anything.

I forgot to send you flowers.

I sent your mom some flowers.

I sent your dad some flowers.

I forgot your parents are divorced.

I sent you a post card.

I forgot to shave.

I dyed my hair red.

I don’t want kids.

I don’t really like kids.

I don’t really like our kids.

badkid

Sentences that begin:

Today, being a pretty special day…

Today, being the second best day of my life…

Today, on this other date I was on…

Today, on Youtube…

Today, on World of Warcraft…

Today, on Wall street…

Today, North Korea…

North-Korea-military-001

Words and subjects to avoid:

Nuclear Holocaust

The economy

The Dow Jones

Psoriasis

STDs (unless necessary)

Crabs (Lobsters OK)

Ingrown hair

Weird smells

Dandruff

Balding

Tender

Moist

Succulent (any other day this word is fine)

Scaly

Complaint

Frustration

Bland

Bored

Death

Murder

Feces

disgusted-oreilly

Onomatopoeias to avoid:

Boink!

Bang!

Boom!

Barf!

Oink!

Whack

Wank

Swish…

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Stories that begin:

I should tell you about my suffering…

I should tell you about my high school…

One time, on a Disney Cruise…

One time, in Ciudad Juarez…

A couple times in college…

Once, my ex and I…

Sometimes, my wife and I…

One time, after watching Titanic…

funny_couple_on_boat

Don’t bring on the date:

A ring (not today).

A pet (never ever).

A copy of your novel (are you dating a literary agent?)

A weathered copy of Lolita.

Your musical instrument.

Your iPad.

Your parents.

Your partner’s parents.

Your other partner.

Your other partner’s parents.

creepyparents

Always bring:

Most, if not all your faculties.

Your pants.

Your good luck charm (keep hidden).

Your big beautiful heart (keep neatly tucked in your pants).

coolest-dwight-and-angela-from-the-office-couple-costume-21585528

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Drive in Style

Miami, FL – 45mph in a 45 zone in a convertible. “Conga” Gloria Estefan

St. Louis, MI – 45mph in a 40 zone. “St. Louie” Nelly

New York – hatefully, but like you want to be a part of it. “New York, New York” Frank Sinatra

Travis-Bickle-Taxi-Driver

Seattle, WA – 50mph in a 45 in the rain. “Tourette’s” Nirvana

Oregon – 50mph in a 65. “Oregon Trail” Woody Guthrie

Portland, OR – no faster than 5mph below the speed limit, i.e. 15-20mph in a 25. “Rose Parade” Elliott Smith

Southeast Portland – No faster than a bicycle. “Feel It All Around” Washed Out

bicycletraffic

California – 80mph in a 65 (I5). – “California” Phantom Planet

San Francisco – nicely, happily, expensive, yoga. – “California Dreamin’” The Mamas and the Papas

LA Traffic – 0mph/80mph. – “Hollywood Tease” The L.A. Guns

LA Streets – depends what neighborhood and what color car. – “Hollywood Forever” The L.A. Guns

carpose

Ciudad Juarez – car chase speed. – “Help!” The Beatles

Tel Aviv – pretend like everything is fine – “Imagine” John Lennon

Indonesia – potential death penalty – “16 on Death Row” Tupac

New Delhi – like crazy – “Peacebone” Animal Collective

Tokyo – lost in a sea of pedestrians – “Packt Like Sardines in a Crushd Tin Box” Radiohead

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Dubai – is this for real? – “Leaving Las Vegas,” Sheryl Crowe

Baghdad – don’t, until further notice – “Baghdad” The Offspring

Massachusetts during a winter storm – don’t, or spend a year in prison – “Jailbreak” Dropkick Murphys

Moscow – free-for-all, beware of government – “Russian Roulette” Van Morrison

Fairbanks, AK – try to start your car. “Trucker’s Atlas” Modest Mouse

Thermometer reads 42 below in Fairbanks

German Streets – drive same speed as everyone, no faster/slower. (Music is not permitted.)

German Autobahn – AFAP (As Fast As Possible), i.e. 160mph. “Ding Dong Song” Gunther

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Italian Autostrada – roller coaster speed. (German Techno)

Italian Streets – with passion. “That’s Amore” Dean Martin

Venice – on a boat – “Turandot: Nessun Dorma” Puccini

Venice gondolier #3

Stockholm – organized, advanced, gorgeous – “Dancing Queen” ABBA

London – politely, on the wrong side. “Paper Planes” M.I.A.

Ibiza, Spain – all night long. – “Livin’ La Vida Loca” Ricky Martin

Amsterdam – what was the question? – “High Til I Die” Three 6 Mafia

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Home for the Holidays Checklist

Arrival/Immersion

• Arrive between 12-5pm

• Do not expect to be picked up at airport / train station / harbor

• Do not surprise parents (Dad’s heart condition)

• Bring arrival gifts

• Prepare to cook (daily)

• Prepare to clean (daily)

• Prepare conversations, no awkward silences

• If failing classes: talk about job

• If unemployed: lie about job

• No books: conversation killers

• Do not bring unexpected guest

obama arrival

Supervision

• No friends at home without adult present

• No visit to friend’s without parental supervision

• If parents don’t know friend, they need name, address, phone number (A/S/L)

• If parents feel excluded from social life, parents will demand compensation

• Parents are allowed in bedroom at any time. It’s parents’ exercise room now.

hippie parents

Bedroom

• Keep all personal items in bedroom and keep neat

• Pick up after self: school supplies, clothes, chargers

• No food in bedroom

• Bed must be made by 9 am.

• Do homework in bedroom

• Do homework before any TV

 

Bathroom

• Ten minutes allowed in bathroom in morning

• If need more time, wake up earlier

• Put toilet seat back down (Dad pees sitting down)

• If finish toilet paper, buy more

• Make sure toilet flushes

• If toilet clogged, deal with it and don’t tell Mom

• If plunger missing, lock self in bathroom, go out bathroom window, buy new plunger

• If can’t unclog, lock self in bathroom until figure it out

• Bring own bath towel

• Use own bath towel

• Keep towel on hook in bedroom

squat-toilet

House

• Breakfast before leaving house

• Do own laundry

• Laundry: Whites (Mon/Wed/Fri) Darks (Tues/Thurs/Sat)

• Do laundry between 9am – 5pm.

• Vacuum (Mon/Tues/Fri)

• Mop (Tues/Thurs/Sat)

• Vac + Mop (Sunday)

• Refresh George’s litter box (twice daily)

• Dishwasher load (daily)

• Dishwasher unload (daily)

• Take out trash and recycling (daily)

• Trash and recycling (Friday mornings)

chores

Seasonal

Winter

• Plow driveway

• Shovel sidewalk

• If heavy snow, buy snow blower

Summer

• Mow, trim, weed lawn (daily)

• Vacuum Pool (twice daily)

Fall

• Rake leaves

• Carve (2+) pumpkins

• Buy Candy for trick-or-treaters

 

Transportation

• If need ride, pay for gas

• If use car, fill gas after drive

• Wash car (carwash on 3rd street)

• If going somewhere, bring parents

• If need to leave and not come back, just go

• Don’t come back

Home-For-The-Holidays

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Test Your Literary I.Q.

Why was Donkey Ho Tay also known as the man of la mancha?

a. I never got to that part of the book. It’s super long.

b. He fought for the people of la mancha and in their eyes, he was “the man.”

c. He was a Donkey who then turned into a man who lived in a place called la mancha somewhere in Europe.

d. I never read it.

e. all of the above

 

When does George Orwell’s futurist novel 1984 take place?

a. The future

b. I definitely read that book.

c. 1994

d. 1999

e. None of the above. Didn’t read it.

 

In Jack Kerouac’s Dharma Bums, on whom is the protagonist, Japhy Ryder based?

a. On whom? You sure it’s not who?

b. Raffi Cavoukian

c. Jesus Christ

d. Jerry Snyder

e. Gary Ryder

 

What is Hemingway’s short story Hills Like White Elephants actually about?

a. Divorce

b. A pro-life anti-abortion rally on a hill

c. Adult-onset Separation Anxiety

d. The white cliffs of Dover

e. Albino elephants

 

David Foster Wallace’s essay E Unibus Pluram: Television and U.S. Fiction predicted:

a. The Internet

b. That U.S. fiction would turn into U.S. television

c. That T.V. would ruin pretty much everything

d. The apocalypse

e. E Uni– what?

 

Tolstoy wrote which of the following:

a. Tolstoy: A Guide for the Perplexed

b. The Declaration of Independence

c. Fiddler on the Roof

d. War and/or Peace

e. None of the above. He was the founder of Marxist Philosophy.

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10 Ways to Make Your Partner More Affectionate

1. Play with your partner on a regular basis. Use different toys to find out what pleases your partner the most.

2. Celebrate your partner. Invite other couples over for play dates.

3. Learn your partner’s likes and dislikes. Cater to your partner’s palate, but always feed your partner at the same time every day.

4. The relationship killer for most couples is poor communication. Talk to your partner for hours. Do not lose your patience if your partner does not choose to respond.

5. Remember your partner will always outrun you. Never chase your partner. Your partner will only become colder toward you if you try to force its affection.

6. Let your partner sit on your lap while you read or watch TV. The couch is a perfect platform for affectionate behavior.

7. Never try to shower with your partner. Your partner hates water.

8. If your partner brings you a present you hate, viz. a dead animal, do not reject your partner’s gift.

9. If you have a yard, let your partner roam around outside while you clean the house. This creates personal space for both of you, and the distance will make your partner crave affection.

10. If nothing else works, try scoring some Nepeta Cataria for your partner. Your partner will instantly desire affection and will really appreciate your scoring the catnip. You can also grow it legally in most states.

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Best 50 Books I Read This Year

1. Keeping Secrets from Yourself – Freud

2. Confessions – by Augustine

3. Confessions of a Self-loather – by Mordecai Hussein

4. Schiksa – Woody Allen autobiography

5. The Shining – movie by Stephen King

6. War and Peace – by Russia

7. Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man – back cover

8. Ulysses – first and second pages

9. “Motherhood for Men” – article in Men’s Health

10. “A Brief Analysis of your Urethra” – UTI pamphlet

11. “How to Fight a UTI” – WebMD

12. “The Death of Postmodernism: We Found God in a Tunnel” – CERN blog post

13. “Doomsday: Actually, We’re All Gonna Die” – editorial Christian Science Review

14. “Teaching Your Teen Abstinence” – Dr. Phil

15. “Teaching Your Teen Hygiene” – Dr. Phil

16. Teenagers on My Mind – novel by Dr. Phil

17. Infinite Jest – parodic blog

18. “Buy More! Now!” – billboard

19. “Barn Party and Coke” – Coca Cola ad

20. “Coke Party in a Barn” – same ad ten minutes later

21. Lost – all 5 seasons in order of disappointment

22. “Avert Your Eyes” – interview with Pam Anderson

23. “Avert Your Eyes Pt. II: Look Away, I’m Hideous” – ibid.

24. The Art of Balding – essay by Larry David

25. To Bald or Not to Bald: No Choice – essay by Larry David

26. Insomnia – memoir by Eli Wiesel

27. Fear of Failure – non-fiction novel I’m working on right now

28. Fear of Flying –Philosophical Review

29. Fear of Germophobia – Kosher Psychology Quarterly

30. Agoraphobia: Adventures in Central Park – manuscript found in trash can on 72nd and Central Park West

31. Nichomachean Ethics – by Aristotle (Ch. 1)

32. Nichomachean Ethics – (Ch. 1 again)

33. Nichomachean Ethics – (Ch. 1 halfway through, eventually abandoned)

34. Discipline and Punish – Foucault

35. Discipline and Punish Me – Dr. Phil

36. Discipline and Germophobia – Heiddeger

37. Women Love Nice Men – Steinbeck (actually read in 6th grade)

38. Chicks Dig Me – Hemingway

39. Chicks Like to Travel with Me – Hemingway (bought but didn’t read)

40. Traveling with Chicks Kills My Buzz – essay by Hemingway

41. Changed My Mind: Chicks Are Life – short story by Hemingway

40. Traveling Gutter Punks – Kerouac

41. Sound and the Fury – Faulkner

42. Sound and the Fury – plotsummary.com

43. A Fiction Writer’s Guide to Lying – James Frey

44. @DollyParton – following on twitter

45. @AshtonKutcher – the twittiest tweeter on twitter

46. Politics and the Secret Language – CIA pamphlet found in my mailbox

47. Putin’ the ‘Mafia’ in ‘Russian Mafia’ – Putin’s self-censored autobiography

48. Billion’s Not Enough – memoir by David Koch

49. How to Secretly Control Everything – Koch Industries for Dummies

50. We Run This B*tch – manifesto co-written by Charles and David Koch

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