Tag Archives: Flowers

Things to Avoid on Valentines

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These sentences:

I forgot.

I forgot to send you anything.

I forgot to send you flowers.

I sent your mom some flowers.

I sent your dad some flowers.

I forgot your parents are divorced.

I sent you a post card.

I forgot to shave.

I dyed my hair red.

I don’t want kids.

I don’t really like kids.

I don’t really like our kids.

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Sentences that begin:

Today, being a pretty special day…

Today, being the second best day of my life…

Today, on this other date I was on…

Today, on Youtube…

Today, on World of Warcraft…

Today, on Wall street…

Today, North Korea…

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Words and subjects to avoid:

Nuclear Holocaust

The economy

The Dow Jones

Psoriasis

STDs (unless necessary)

Crabs (Lobsters OK)

Ingrown hair

Weird smells

Dandruff

Balding

Tender

Moist

Succulent (any other day this word is fine)

Scaly

Complaint

Frustration

Bland

Bored

Death

Murder

Feces

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Onomatopoeias to avoid:

Boink!

Bang!

Boom!

Barf!

Oink!

Whack

Wank

Swish…

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Stories that begin:

I should tell you about my suffering…

I should tell you about my high school…

One time, on a Disney Cruise…

One time, in Ciudad Juarez…

A couple times in college…

Once, my ex and I…

Sometimes, my wife and I…

One time, after watching Titanic…

funny_couple_on_boat

Don’t bring on the date:

A ring (not today).

A pet (never ever).

A copy of your novel (are you dating a literary agent?)

A weathered copy of Lolita.

Your musical instrument.

Your iPad.

Your parents.

Your partner’s parents.

Your other partner.

Your other partner’s parents.

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Always bring:

Most, if not all your faculties.

Your pants.

Your good luck charm (keep hidden).

Your big beautiful heart (keep neatly tucked in your pants).

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