Tag Archives: German

Drive in Style

Miami, FL – 45mph in a 45 zone in a convertible. “Conga” Gloria Estefan

St. Louis, MI – 45mph in a 40 zone. “St. Louie” Nelly

New York – hatefully, but like you want to be a part of it. “New York, New York” Frank Sinatra


Seattle, WA – 50mph in a 45 in the rain. “Tourette’s” Nirvana

Oregon – 50mph in a 65. “Oregon Trail” Woody Guthrie

Portland, OR – no faster than 5mph below the speed limit, i.e. 15-20mph in a 25. “Rose Parade” Elliott Smith

Southeast Portland – No faster than a bicycle. “Feel It All Around” Washed Out


California – 80mph in a 65 (I5). – “California” Phantom Planet

San Francisco – nicely, happily, expensive, yoga. – “California Dreamin’” The Mamas and the Papas

LA Traffic – 0mph/80mph. – “Hollywood Tease” The L.A. Guns

LA Streets – depends what neighborhood and what color car. – “Hollywood Forever” The L.A. Guns


Ciudad Juarez – car chase speed. – “Help!” The Beatles

Tel Aviv – pretend like everything is fine – “Imagine” John Lennon

Indonesia – potential death penalty – “16 on Death Row” Tupac

New Delhi – like crazy – “Peacebone” Animal Collective

Tokyo – lost in a sea of pedestrians – “Packt Like Sardines in a Crushd Tin Box” Radiohead


Dubai – is this for real? – “Leaving Las Vegas,” Sheryl Crowe

Baghdad – don’t, until further notice – “Baghdad” The Offspring

Massachusetts during a winter storm – don’t, or spend a year in prison – “Jailbreak” Dropkick Murphys

Moscow – free-for-all, beware of government – “Russian Roulette” Van Morrison

Fairbanks, AK – try to start your car. “Trucker’s Atlas” Modest Mouse

Thermometer reads 42 below in Fairbanks

German Streets – drive same speed as everyone, no faster/slower. (Music is not permitted.)

German Autobahn – AFAP (As Fast As Possible), i.e. 160mph. “Ding Dong Song” Gunther


Italian Autostrada – roller coaster speed. (German Techno)

Italian Streets – with passion. “That’s Amore” Dean Martin

Venice – on a boat – “Turandot: Nessun Dorma” Puccini

Venice gondolier #3

Stockholm – organized, advanced, gorgeous – “Dancing Queen” ABBA

London – politely, on the wrong side. “Paper Planes” M.I.A.

Ibiza, Spain – all night long. – “Livin’ La Vida Loca” Ricky Martin

Amsterdam – what was the question? – “High Til I Die” Three 6 Mafia


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Dear Woody / To Whom It May Concern:

Is it who or whom? It is I, or is it me? Shall I or will I get the job? These are the things about which I am concerned. I am a perfectionist: I seek out the undotted, uncrossed, uncomma’d, unimportant imperfections that could perfect a manuscript or land a major publisher.

My last job was ghostwriting a ghost story, which truly characterizes my career ambition. I aspire not to be a writer, but a ghostwriter. The fact that my employer, the author of the ghost story, was my father, does not mean I was hired due to nepotism. I did a good job, though the story was never finished.

You consider yourself a comedian, and I agree. You can be very funny, in a way, at times. I have not seen many of your films, but I have heard all about them from my father. Comedy ghostwriting is not my forte, but I am willing to try new things. The idea you have for this particular manuscript needs some tweaking, in my opinion. You have a doctor, a lawyer, and a writer sitting around a table at a kosher diner, sharing their wildest sexcapades, romances and existential crises. My question is, does the diner have to be kosher? You may risk deterring your gentile (myself included) readership.

I want this job, because I love city culture—the food, the smells, the people, the languages. I speak roughly four languages, in other words, I speak four languages very roughly, but if you ever need a letter written in German, I am an experienced Google Translator. I live on Long Island, so I speak Yiddish as well as anybody else would a dying language.

I am very excited to hear back from you. I check my email about fifty times a day. Please don’t leave me hanging.



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