Good morning!
Ok.
Can I getcha some coffee?
Yeah.
…Here you are sir.
Great.
Can I getcha anything else?
Nope. I want to order.
Wonderful! We have an Early Bird special if you’re interested.
What?
We have an Early Bird special.
Not interested.
What can I getcha?
I haven’t decided.
Great. I’ll come back in a second.
Great.
…Have you decided, sir?
Yeah.
What can I getcha?
The muffin basket.
Did you want anything from the Early Bird menu?
I’ll just have the muffin basket.
That comes with an assortment of jellies and jams.
Fine.
Would you like grape, raspberry, cherry, strawberry or peach?
Fine.
You have three choices, sir.
Whatever. The first three.
Which three?
The first three you said.
Grape, raspberry, and cherry?
Yeah. Wait. I want strawberry too.
You only have three choices, sir.
Fine. Just bring it out. You’re starting to ruffle my feathers.
I’m sorry, sir. We just run things a bit differently around here.
What?
We’re all birdwatchers.
What?
We’re birders. Bird lovers. Bird enthusiasts.
My mother was a Bird lover.
Very humorous, sir. I appreciate that.
So you just watch birds?
We’ve all studied ornithology.
Where?
Various places. Charlie was at Penn. Rose went to Duke. Vincent is writing a novel called Falconia. Tess wants to be a guide.
Why are the other waiters all watching me like that?
I’m sorry, sir. We’ve never had a customer of your particular type in our restaurant.
Are you kidding me?
No sir.
My type is pretty common.
We are very happy to have you. They’re just curious.
They’re flocking in the window staring at me.
I’ll shoo them away and be right back with your food.
…Here you are sir. We have a muffin plate for you with grape, raspberry, and strawberry jams.
Wait. I ordered the basket.
I’m sorry?
The basket. I didn’t order the plate. I ordered the basket.
Let me take this back and get you the basket.
No, you know what, I’ve had enough. Take this plate out of here. Leave the muffin. Leave the jams. Leave the flower. And get those waiters out of my sight.
Jeremy Scheuer 