Tag Archives: Parents

Things to Avoid on Valentines

A-Valentines-Day-date-008

These sentences:

I forgot.

I forgot to send you anything.

I forgot to send you flowers.

I sent your mom some flowers.

I sent your dad some flowers.

I forgot your parents are divorced.

I sent you a post card.

I forgot to shave.

I dyed my hair red.

I don’t want kids.

I don’t really like kids.

I don’t really like our kids.

badkid

Sentences that begin:

Today, being a pretty special day…

Today, being the second best day of my life…

Today, on this other date I was on…

Today, on Youtube…

Today, on World of Warcraft…

Today, on Wall street…

Today, North Korea…

North-Korea-military-001

Words and subjects to avoid:

Nuclear Holocaust

The economy

The Dow Jones

Psoriasis

STDs (unless necessary)

Crabs (Lobsters OK)

Ingrown hair

Weird smells

Dandruff

Balding

Tender

Moist

Succulent (any other day this word is fine)

Scaly

Complaint

Frustration

Bland

Bored

Death

Murder

Feces

disgusted-oreilly

Onomatopoeias to avoid:

Boink!

Bang!

Boom!

Barf!

Oink!

Whack

Wank

Swish…

62048_Nuggets_Birdman_Basketball1

Stories that begin:

I should tell you about my suffering…

I should tell you about my high school…

One time, on a Disney Cruise…

One time, in Ciudad Juarez…

A couple times in college…

Once, my ex and I…

Sometimes, my wife and I…

One time, after watching Titanic…

funny_couple_on_boat

Don’t bring on the date:

A ring (not today).

A pet (never ever).

A copy of your novel (are you dating a literary agent?)

A weathered copy of Lolita.

Your musical instrument.

Your iPad.

Your parents.

Your partner’s parents.

Your other partner.

Your other partner’s parents.

creepyparents

Always bring:

Most, if not all your faculties.

Your pants.

Your good luck charm (keep hidden).

Your big beautiful heart (keep neatly tucked in your pants).

coolest-dwight-and-angela-from-the-office-couple-costume-21585528

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Home for the Holidays Checklist

Arrival/Immersion

• Arrive between 12-5pm

• Do not expect to be picked up at airport / train station / harbor

• Do not surprise parents (Dad’s heart condition)

• Bring arrival gifts

• Prepare to cook (daily)

• Prepare to clean (daily)

• Prepare conversations, no awkward silences

• If failing classes: talk about job

• If unemployed: lie about job

• No books: conversation killers

• Do not bring unexpected guest

obama arrival

Supervision

• No friends at home without adult present

• No visit to friend’s without parental supervision

• If parents don’t know friend, they need name, address, phone number (A/S/L)

• If parents feel excluded from social life, parents will demand compensation

• Parents are allowed in bedroom at any time. It’s parents’ exercise room now.

hippie parents

Bedroom

• Keep all personal items in bedroom and keep neat

• Pick up after self: school supplies, clothes, chargers

• No food in bedroom

• Bed must be made by 9 am.

• Do homework in bedroom

• Do homework before any TV

 

Bathroom

• Ten minutes allowed in bathroom in morning

• If need more time, wake up earlier

• Put toilet seat back down (Dad pees sitting down)

• If finish toilet paper, buy more

• Make sure toilet flushes

• If toilet clogged, deal with it and don’t tell Mom

• If plunger missing, lock self in bathroom, go out bathroom window, buy new plunger

• If can’t unclog, lock self in bathroom until figure it out

• Bring own bath towel

• Use own bath towel

• Keep towel on hook in bedroom

squat-toilet

House

• Breakfast before leaving house

• Do own laundry

• Laundry: Whites (Mon/Wed/Fri) Darks (Tues/Thurs/Sat)

• Do laundry between 9am – 5pm.

• Vacuum (Mon/Tues/Fri)

• Mop (Tues/Thurs/Sat)

• Vac + Mop (Sunday)

• Refresh George’s litter box (twice daily)

• Dishwasher load (daily)

• Dishwasher unload (daily)

• Take out trash and recycling (daily)

• Trash and recycling (Friday mornings)

chores

Seasonal

Winter

• Plow driveway

• Shovel sidewalk

• If heavy snow, buy snow blower

Summer

• Mow, trim, weed lawn (daily)

• Vacuum Pool (twice daily)

Fall

• Rake leaves

• Carve (2+) pumpkins

• Buy Candy for trick-or-treaters

 

Transportation

• If need ride, pay for gas

• If use car, fill gas after drive

• Wash car (carwash on 3rd street)

• If going somewhere, bring parents

• If need to leave and not come back, just go

• Don’t come back

Home-For-The-Holidays

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