Monthly Archives: February 2013

Things to Avoid on Valentines

A-Valentines-Day-date-008

These sentences:

I forgot.

I forgot to send you anything.

I forgot to send you flowers.

I sent your mom some flowers.

I sent your dad some flowers.

I forgot your parents are divorced.

I sent you a post card.

I forgot to shave.

I dyed my hair red.

I don’t want kids.

I don’t really like kids.

I don’t really like our kids.

badkid

Sentences that begin:

Today, being a pretty special day…

Today, being the second best day of my life…

Today, on this other date I was on…

Today, on Youtube…

Today, on World of Warcraft…

Today, on Wall street…

Today, North Korea…

North-Korea-military-001

Words and subjects to avoid:

Nuclear Holocaust

The economy

The Dow Jones

Psoriasis

STDs (unless necessary)

Crabs (Lobsters OK)

Ingrown hair

Weird smells

Dandruff

Balding

Tender

Moist

Succulent (any other day this word is fine)

Scaly

Complaint

Frustration

Bland

Bored

Death

Murder

Feces

disgusted-oreilly

Onomatopoeias to avoid:

Boink!

Bang!

Boom!

Barf!

Oink!

Whack

Wank

Swish…

62048_Nuggets_Birdman_Basketball1

Stories that begin:

I should tell you about my suffering…

I should tell you about my high school…

One time, on a Disney Cruise…

One time, in Ciudad Juarez…

A couple times in college…

Once, my ex and I…

Sometimes, my wife and I…

One time, after watching Titanic…

funny_couple_on_boat

Don’t bring on the date:

A ring (not today).

A pet (never ever).

A copy of your novel (are you dating a literary agent?)

A weathered copy of Lolita.

Your musical instrument.

Your iPad.

Your parents.

Your partner’s parents.

Your other partner.

Your other partner’s parents.

creepyparents

Always bring:

Most, if not all your faculties.

Your pants.

Your good luck charm (keep hidden).

Your big beautiful heart (keep neatly tucked in your pants).

coolest-dwight-and-angela-from-the-office-couple-costume-21585528

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Drive in Style

Miami, FL – 45mph in a 45 zone in a convertible. “Conga” Gloria Estefan

St. Louis, MI – 45mph in a 40 zone. “St. Louie” Nelly

New York – hatefully, but like you want to be a part of it. “New York, New York” Frank Sinatra

Travis-Bickle-Taxi-Driver

Seattle, WA – 50mph in a 45 in the rain. “Tourette’s” Nirvana

Oregon – 50mph in a 65. “Oregon Trail” Woody Guthrie

Portland, OR – no faster than 5mph below the speed limit, i.e. 15-20mph in a 25. “Rose Parade” Elliott Smith

Southeast Portland – No faster than a bicycle. “Feel It All Around” Washed Out

bicycletraffic

California – 80mph in a 65 (I5). – “California” Phantom Planet

San Francisco – nicely, happily, expensive, yoga. – “California Dreamin’” The Mamas and the Papas

LA Traffic – 0mph/80mph. – “Hollywood Tease” The L.A. Guns

LA Streets – depends what neighborhood and what color car. – “Hollywood Forever” The L.A. Guns

carpose

Ciudad Juarez – car chase speed. – “Help!” The Beatles

Tel Aviv – pretend like everything is fine – “Imagine” John Lennon

Indonesia – potential death penalty – “16 on Death Row” Tupac

New Delhi – like crazy – “Peacebone” Animal Collective

Tokyo – lost in a sea of pedestrians – “Packt Like Sardines in a Crushd Tin Box” Radiohead

tokyo

Dubai – is this for real? – “Leaving Las Vegas,” Sheryl Crowe

Baghdad – don’t, until further notice – “Baghdad” The Offspring

Massachusetts during a winter storm – don’t, or spend a year in prison – “Jailbreak” Dropkick Murphys

Moscow – free-for-all, beware of government – “Russian Roulette” Van Morrison

Fairbanks, AK – try to start your car. “Trucker’s Atlas” Modest Mouse

Thermometer reads 42 below in Fairbanks

German Streets – drive same speed as everyone, no faster/slower. (Music is not permitted.)

German Autobahn – AFAP (As Fast As Possible), i.e. 160mph. “Ding Dong Song” Gunther

guntherdingdong

Italian Autostrada – roller coaster speed. (German Techno)

Italian Streets – with passion. “That’s Amore” Dean Martin

Venice – on a boat – “Turandot: Nessun Dorma” Puccini

Venice gondolier #3

Stockholm – organized, advanced, gorgeous – “Dancing Queen” ABBA

London – politely, on the wrong side. “Paper Planes” M.I.A.

Ibiza, Spain – all night long. – “Livin’ La Vida Loca” Ricky Martin

Amsterdam – what was the question? – “High Til I Die” Three 6 Mafia

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