These sentences:
I forgot.
I forgot to send you anything.
I forgot to send you flowers.
I sent your mom some flowers.
I sent your dad some flowers.
I forgot your parents are divorced.
I sent you a post card.
I forgot to shave.
I dyed my hair red.
I don’t want kids.
I don’t really like kids.
I don’t really like our kids.
Sentences that begin:
Today, being a pretty special day…
Today, being the second best day of my life…
Today, on this other date I was on…
Today, on Youtube…
Today, on World of Warcraft…
Today, on Wall street…
Today, North Korea…
Words and subjects to avoid:
Nuclear Holocaust
The economy
The Dow Jones
Psoriasis
STDs (unless necessary)
Crabs (Lobsters OK)
Ingrown hair
Weird smells
Dandruff
Balding
Tender
Moist
Succulent (any other day this word is fine)
Scaly
Complaint
Frustration
Bland
Bored
Death
Murder
Feces
Onomatopoeias to avoid:
Boink!
Bang!
Boom!
Barf!
Oink!
Whack
Wank
Swish…
Stories that begin:
I should tell you about my suffering…
I should tell you about my high school…
One time, on a Disney Cruise…
One time, in Ciudad Juarez…
A couple times in college…
Once, my ex and I…
Sometimes, my wife and I…
One time, after watching Titanic…
Don’t bring on the date:
A ring (not today).
A pet (never ever).
A copy of your novel (are you dating a literary agent?)
A weathered copy of Lolita.
Your musical instrument.
Your iPad.
Your parents.
Your partner’s parents.
Your other partner.
Your other partner’s parents.
Always bring:
Most, if not all your faculties.
Your pants.
Your good luck charm (keep hidden).
Your big beautiful heart (keep neatly tucked in your pants).
Jeremy Scheuer 