This has to be one of the most beautiful hostiles in California, but still. The coed dorms are the real deal. You’re the last one to arrive at night, so you have to take the bunk above the oldest jolly-fat-fellow in the room. The problem isn’t that he snores, it’s that he snores in such an amusing and inconsistent way. You’re forced to listen, ears and nose molested by everything he emits into the air. He’s snoring and snoring, breathing too much in your opinion. Then it goes away for a few minutes. Oh thank gawd, you can sleep now. Suddenly a soft explosion penetrates the silence and air forces it way down his throat again. Sleep apnea—great—why don’t you rent yourself a private room. You’re talking to him, not yourself.
In the morning, you try to sleep as late as possible, because you couldn’t fall asleep until 3am. Everybody gets up around 7:30, and you try not to let the commotion wake you completely. The Dutch brothers wake up earliest and talk back and forth in Dutch, probably because they miss hearing their mother-tongue. No, but seriously, I’m sorry, there are no Dutch brothers, just one guy who talks to himself in Dutch. I speak a little German and it seems that he really does miss his mother.
The eastern European guy shuffles through all his belongings three or four times until the bathroom opens. He seems nervous, like he’s inventorying his stuff to make sure nobody jacked anything. Maybe he didn’t read about Marin County in the in-flight magazine and he’s worried all these nice rich people are just a front. I don’t remember from whence he came. Probably that communist country. He came here because he’s such a materialist.
So you’ve chosen the hostile path instead of a hotel. Great! You might save a lot of money, which is significant. But recognize that if it is sleep you seek, perhaps look elsewhere, because you will be fighting off all those hostile dorm demons—gas, breath, sneezes, coughs, moisture (don’t underestimate this one), shifting, shuffling, communists, and possibly a schizophrenic or two or just one. None of this will happen if you stay at the Ritz Carleton. They don’t allow the riff raff inside.
Jeremy Scheuer 