Follow That Billionaire!

If you haven’t heard of Joe Ricketts, you have now. He’s one of the 400 billionaire Americans (as of March 2010). That number has obviously risen, since the economy hath shittiered and there are fewer employees for Joe to bankroll. Joe is a painter. He does self-portraits. You can commission him to paint a portrait of himself staring humbly-yet-cheerfully into space with his hands perfectly folded in front, so you don’t have to worry if he’s doing something dirty behind your back.

Ricketts is a bit like Dick Cheney and a lot like the Koch brothers. He lives in Jackson Hole, WY, next to Dick’s, but he made his billions in Nebraska, like the Kochs. And for the last time: it’s pronounced like “Coke.” Don’t be disgusting. The Koch brothers are from Kansas, but I thought Nebraska and Kansas were just municipalities somewhere in the Midwest. I also thought “Midwest” was that state you fly over between New York and LA—the one with all the circular fields.

The Grand Old Partyboys announced or leaked or somehow I found out that Ricketts, the baller behind one of Romney’s top super PACs, is bankrolling a slew of anti-Obama attack ads, scheduled to air around the time of the DNC. They want to shed some light on Reverend Wright’s ties to Obama and they’re going to call him Barack Hussein Obama, which is, to most of us, a pretty terrible name.

I can’t remember what the ads were going to say, but they sounded aggressive, stupid, and smart, all at the same time, which is a scary combination. They want to play the race card, throw it down, stomp on it, and then play quick defense when the Obama campaign throws back. It’s not going to be effective or interesting or even fun. When asked about the Ricketts plan, Romney guffawed, tore his “Mitt” mask off and transformed back into a “Willard.”

Now all our friends at Fox are leaning on Willard to exploit the Obama-Wright smears. Even Herman Cain said the smears were “fair game.” As a Foxwatcher, I would definitely trust Herman’s moral judgment the most.

Meanwhile, Newt Gingrich is still packing his duffel. Newt had so much fun at campaign camp this year, he didn’t want to leave.

When it came time to abort his mission/campaign, Newt stalled. “It’s been a magical journey through history, politics, sexuality and blackmail. I promise I’m going to stop—next week.” Apparently campaigners get tons of perks, not to mention celeb status, so don’t judge the Newt. He’s not wasting your money. It’s everybody’s money. God’s money. And there’s plenty to go around.

Seriously, don’t even worry about it.


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